Dating In the Future

So, now that it’s standard for girls to open up their bodies to complete strangers, either during one night stands, the proverbial ‘Third Date’, to ‘Friends with Benefits’ and any other way that they want to justify it, I have lately begun to think about what dating might look like in the future.

I began brooding over this as I cleaned out my Spam boxes yesterday, clearing it out of a proliferation of ‘Denise wants you to view her webcam’, ‘Stacy thinks you’re Sexy’, ‘College Fuck Book’, ‘Threesome Communities’ and invitations to enthusiastic sexual partners apparently active on Facebook, Tagged, and websites filled with Lonely Singles. SO. RUDE.

Am I to understand that instead of the acceptable classified listing people with ‘GSOH’ (Good Sense of Humour’, there will be ads blatantly stating things such as ‘Stud needs Threesome tonight. Apply if Hot and Horny, and willing to explore every orifice. Severally. BY3HSC (Bring your 3-month HIV Status Certificate’? Or ‘Cheating wife lonely for stud who is willing to be controlled. Bring your own whips, chains and clips. Vibrators will be provided. BY3HSC’? Or worse yet: ‘Couple looking for young stripper to do her business right in front of them. We love bodily fluids, so must be willing to get drunk and vomit. Diarrhoea suffers encouraged. BYHSC not required.’? Jesus come back quick.

Am I to look forward to dates where, after ‘Hi, how are you?’ the next conventional question is to be ‘So how do you like it?’ or ‘Do you believe in FDF? (First Date Fucking) Perhaps we shall go through a phase where it’s polite to give your numbers outright, over the first drink.

Guy: “I’m on 59. You?”

Girl: “110,” modest laugh. He grins, impressed.

“Popular girl!”

“Yes, yes.” The modest laugh again, almost shy. “I’m not doing badly.” Then she looks concerned. “Are you quite reserved?”

“No, just a little picky.” He says a little defensively. She nods flirtatiously.

“I like that in a guy.”

“Thanks,” He replies, confidence restored. “So, do you believe in FDF?”

“TOTALLY. It’s so 60s and hip.” She bats an eyelash. “And fun.”

“Wanna get out of here?” He zings back. She laughs, nodding frantically.

“What was your name again?”

“Frank.”

“Hank –great. Let’s go.”

God, Help.

In other news... well, there IS no news. Still single, available... and increasingly disliking it. But busy! So busy, it seems I’ve lost weight, recently, through no conscious effort. I believe in the Cravings Diet (out soon, I promise) which is totally Bridget Jones in its approach, so nothing gives. Still In Pursuit of Happiness!