FIRST DATE

My date with Hans was yesterday... and it was AWFUL.

For one, he was UGLY.  Except he was tall and lovely, with eyes in the perfect shade of blue, and a rather fit body.

He was also supremely BORING... except he was so open, we talked about an impressively wide array of subjects, and he was generous with his stories, making me laugh three times a minute. Turns out he also has a tongue-in-cheek, naughty streak, which is ALWAYS charming!

He was forbiddingly ungenerous –except he would have been willing to pay for anything I wanted. He was also considerate and girls, that’s the sign of a good man.

He was rather overly sexed, and pawed me incessantly –except he never so much as put a hand on my ass. (I was the one to ask if I could give him a kiss on the cheek, after he so gallantly dropped me home.)

He DID drink too much –except... that was actually ME. Having not been out for a good while, and refused a calming glass of wine by my brother, before I left for the date, despite the fact that I was slightly shaky with nerves... (God knows what would have happened if I HAD taken it) I proceeded to make the best impression by going on an unladylike, small bender.  The only plus about this is that I didn’t make my over-made-up ass fall over, in its Horrendous Heels –or otherwise consciously embarrass him... I think. OMG.

In other words... He was perfectly LOVELY. And what do you do with a perfectly lovely date?  You see him again. And if he’s made special efforts (battled his way across town, for example) you have to make some too. He was even good enough to text me, (as ordered in my best Nutcracker-style –not that I AM a Nutcracker, or that he’s the type to take it!) that he got home safe, God Bless his cotton socks.

In short, I had a perfectly terrible time, and don’t count on hearing any more about Hans... except you should!

Some of the Top Characters NO ONE should Date

Dating is difficult enough, but I hope that the Singletons out there (male and female) aren’t letting Desire or Desperation rope them into relationships with any of the following characters (more to come.) If you do suspect that you are already involved with them, act fast to save yourself. It may even be a matter of life and death!

FOR THE GIRLS

Girls, the Number 1 Character to avoid at all costs is...

The Nazi –The Nazi is a deeply insecure character, whose main purpose in Life is to affirm himself. It’s all about power, possession and control for this fellow; His Way or No Way. You won’t recognize this monster, at first. He has a history of presenting himself so well, that even your mother will be impressed. He’ll be Dad’s best friend, your brother’s hero, and will make your friends squirm with jealousy at how attentive he is to you.

Once he’s got you in his clasp, you’ll find that he’s suddenly quite clear about what you should wear, where you might go, and who your friends are, some of whom he’ll take objection to, and actively encourage you to drop. Eventually, he may even have a problem with your being too close to your family, because he wants to be the only one with any say on your life. He won’t want you to work, not only because he can’t control the people you come into contact with, there, but also because working will provide you with your own money, which means that he will not have the power to control how or what you spend it on. Better for you to rely on him for everything, you see, so he is truly in charge. If you are working when you meet him (which you won’t for much longer, if he is able to work on you properly) don’t be surprised to find him hanging around outside your office, once in a while. Though you might think it romantic that he’s come to see you (or take you out for lunch, or bring you flowers, or whatever else) know that he’s stalking.

When you put all of these things together, you can clearly see that a relationship with this guy will certainly end in tears. But you won’t be able to put it all together, unless you’re looking for the signs, because the Good Times with this dude will be SO good, they’ll almost make you forget about the Bad.

Should you go against him, fully expect to be punished. Whatever form this punishment takes initially (usually some emotional abuse, to make you feel small, insignificant, powerless, and lucky to have him), know that it will eventually be constricted only to physical beatings. At this point, leaving him might be fatal. Nazis are filing into jail in a steady trickle, having been convicted for murdering girlfriends and wives who have dared to pretend they can lead any kind of life without them. In what I call the Facebook murders (no reflection on FB) several women were murdered by Nazis... for changing their status.

And then there’s...

Il Bambone –The Bambone is the polar opposite of the Nazi, but equally as toxic. The Bambone and his mother have a love that transcends embarrassment, adulthood, and reason. You’ll be breastfeeding this dude from the get-go, because what he hates most in Life, is ANY kind of responsibility. Expect to wait on him hand and foot, because, guess what? His mother would. Further expect to be criticised when you don’t make the bed or fold clothes ‘like my mama does’. Their world will be turned upside down when you give birth, and all your attention is suddenly diverted to and focused on the baby, so fully expect fits of jealousy and not a few tantrums.

Still, Bambones are not evil men, at least, and might even make for great, and affectionate companions, for the most patient of us. The worries and angst they bring you won’t be from their partying ways, since they’ll likely be at home watching TV and pottering about –even when you’re out.  If managed correctly, over a good number of years, they may eventually grow up some, and make perfectly good fathers... Don’t hold your breath, though.

FOR THE GUYS

Dudes, wake up and smell your number 1 romantic enemy:

Miss Moneybags –This money hungry, gold-digging hussy has eyes for nothing but money, and she’ll do anything and everything to get her hands on it. She will agree with everything a potential victim says and wants, a great admiration for him, offer sex, and will generally be able to act so well like the Ideal Girlfriend, you’ll be floored by her, and inviting her into your life almost before you know it. High-maintenance and enamoured of the High Life that is accessible only to millionaire society, she’ll squeeze every dime out of any fish that she can get her hands on... until a better one comes along. Love does not live in this girl, though she may have a passing affection for one or two of her conquests, so beware of her sweet tongue –the words she’s addressing you are actually targeted at your wallet. She wants the best, and only the best will do. And the best costs money. LOTS of money.

Miss Moneybags is not one to stand by her man –at the first sign that your resources are dying up, she’ll be out the door without so much as a glance backwards, on her way to salvage whatever she can, in order to move along to her next victim... sometimes, in the literal sense. Several Miss Moneybags are currently languishing in jail, because they tried to fraudulently benefit from Life Insurance policies their poisoned (or otherwise involuntarily deceased) victims never even had a clue that they had taken out on them. Many more are out there, getting away with it, because Miss Moneybags is usually as intelligent and sharp as she is manipulative and calculating.

You will not recognise this predator at first glance, except, perhaps, by the cut of her clothes, which are from the high-end of the market (indeed, not a crime.) Ask her what she does, and how she is able to pay for them, however, and vague answers will be an excellent clue to her real identity. Never seen at the pub, she haunts top nightclubs, restaurants and venues, cultivating a crowd of high end friends, through which she has the best chances of landing her millionaire for Life.

And then there’s...

The Nutcracker –This gal is a home maker and strict disciplinarian (read, potential abuser), whose idea of the perfect husband is like a normal woman’s idea of a child. One short week with her, and she’ll have severed your nuts completely, leaving you an insecure, blubbering, servile mess. She’ll dress her man, feed him, tell him what to do, and generally takeover and run his life from A to Z.  When something isn’t done as directed, he should expect a tongue-lashing so violent as to make him burst into tears, pee his pants –or both. Later in the relationship, (and much too late to reclaim any respect or standing whatsoever) should he try to assert himself in any way, he might experience a couple of painful and humiliating whoopings, designed to rid him of the very last shreds of willpower, and vestiges of manhood.

Nutcrackers, like the best slave-drivers of the day, will often use their victims to the point of abuse, saddling with any amount of chores to do, while she relaxes and monitors him with an eagle-eye. Should her eunuch be able to give her children, he should fully expect to sympathise with and relate to them as fellow prisoners.

You will recognise this horror by the fact that, even on your initial dates, she will rarely let you get a word in edgewise, and will have a firm opinion on absolutely everything. She chooses her victims extremely well, and is easily able to ring them in, because these mild-mannered, kind men will find it difficult to say ‘No’ to a powerful woman, and hate any type of confrontation, finding it easier to just ‘let her have her way.’ If you’re one of those –grown some ball, and learn how to use them.

FOR BOTH GUYS AND GALS

The Klingon –Klingons, I feel, do best dating EACH OTHER. With any other partner, relationships are bound to be short and filled with exasperation and exhaustion. Klingons may be sweet-natured, caring creatures, but they are deeply insecure, and what they want most in Life is someone who will take away their insecurity through constant affirmation. A Klingon needs to be physically as well as emotionally coddled –and constantly. In a relationship with them, there needs to be lots of hand-holding, hugging, and ‘I LOVE YOU’s after ever sentence –if not, they’ll definitively conclude that you ‘don’t love me any more’ and become very upset.

Getting any breathing space from a Klingon partner is almost impossible, even if you ask for it in the kindest way you know how –they’ll wonder WHY you need space away from them, and deduce that... you guessed it, you ‘don’t love me any more.’ You’ll be surprised to find that your fights are not about anything more serious than how much you love them, which you might have to spend exhausting HOURS asserting, reasserting and proving.

Because of their insecurity, Klingons are extremely jealous, so if your fight isn’t about how much you love them; it’s probably about how much attention you recently paid to someone else. They are like two-year old toddlers with abandonment issues, and their partner is forced to act like a reassuring parent.

On the flip side, Klingons are extremely loyal and giving creatures, though this trait proceeds from gratitude for your attention, which isn’t exactly healthy. 

Roses, Romance & Rubbish

I grew up reading Fairy Tales (… and admit that I occasionally still do. There are some SUPER potential plots in there!) They made me feel warm and excited about my romantic future. You know, about the Prince I’d once meet… perhaps dressed in pauper’s clothing. The way he’d rescue me from a car accident, or professional suicide, or perhaps be my defendant in court (I was going to be a lawyer,) naturally completely innocent of a horrendous charge, from which I would heroically save him –or vice versa. He would be tall and dark (still my preferences) with beautiful blue or green or chocolate eyes, which would speak love to me from across the room. Naturally, after the drama was over, we would get married in a huge ceremony that would leave even the bishop in tears (no measly local pastor would do) and live in glorious happiness ever after.

As I grew up, I wasn’t daunted by the fact that Players had begun to infest society, and that Divorce was no longer a scandal, but rather a piece of paper hundreds of spouses were signing casually during a spare moment. It didn’t worry me that, as I progressed from class to class and grade to grade, graduation to graduation, more and more of my fellow students came from broken or breaking homes, some of them suffering cruelly under terrible emotional stability. MY story was set in stone. Even as I studied, my confidence was set in the fact that my Prince (a few years older than me) was also studying, graduating –and looking for me. While in the Fairy Tales, he might have been in his Palace, restlessly ordering portrait after portrait of potential brides from all four corners of the Earth, and increasingly despairing as they arrived, my modern Prince was carefully dating, and with each disappointment, he was forming a better and clearer picture of the person he really wanted in his mind and heart –a portrait of me.

By the time I came to a marriageable age, and we met, he’d know immediately that I was the One for him, and woo me in ways that would embarrass me pleasurably , suffuse my friends in envy, and make my family proud. When I finally said ‘Yes’ (the Fairy Tales rules dictate that you don’t accept right away –there must be a period of pining for the Prince) it would be one evening after dinner, which we would have had under the stars, somewhere in Italy, where I would have gone on a Art History trip, and he’d found out and followed me. As the huge ring (sapphires and diamonds) was reverently slipped on, violins would play a crescendo, suddenly, out of nowhere, the restaurant owner would break out champagne on the House, and all the other patrons would be brought to tears by the sealing KISS of True Love…

I was NOT insane, I knew. I had read accounts of Wallis Simpson and her Prince, of Grace Kelly and hers, and even knew that a recent English King had Gone Against Tradition and fought for and got a Commoner wife. I mean, even Eliza Dolittle had found a man to love her. These things DID happen, and so I clung to my dream despite various negative accounts from my friends about their own romantic lives, both in High School and University. THEY were chasing common ‘boys’. For the longest time, I was happy to be a virgin and unencumbered by ‘I think Simon’s going to dump me’s and ‘Ted likes Rita more than me’s and ‘Sven won’t F-ING COMMIT!!!’s. MY Prince was well on his way, and since Life (and Love) is what happens to you while you’re doing other things, I was happy to do them. I studied and danced and got a job, and went on day trips to the beach, and bought and tried makeup, and had long academic debates and watched movies, and read… My Prince was coming.

A few short years later, I was Carrie from Sex and the City, except without a SHRED of romanticism left in me. I’d never liked flowers, but now I hated the sight of them. I bought boxes of chocolate for myself, and felt no shame in it. I dumped date after date, to the point were I couldn’t even fake any concern when they were hurt –they were not HIM, and I blamed them for confusing me into thinking that they were, and wasting my time. I got lonely and dated so as not to be alone, but was hardly invested in having any potential relationship, and was quite equal to ending it suddenly, when boredom reached a maximum –once by text (for which I feel ashamed, because there is NO excuse for bad manners.) I also once dumped a man who was wooing me… because he wrote me a poem. He was clearly living in La-la land. A few years later, another man who was wooing me, whom I really liked and was considering getting into a relationship with… sent me 400 roses at work. FOUR HUNDRED. That was the end of that. (I KNOW. I’m crazy.)

I was on a rapid spiral of deteriorating belief in Romance, and becoming more focused on Reality. And Reality dictates that the perfect man should be intelligent, hard-working, honest, steadfast and committed. How many of THESE I’ve met you are free to guess, a clue being the very existence of this blog. Weddings began to make me cringe as my cynicism grew, to the point where, now, the only wedding I want is the EXACT one conducted between Derek Shepherd and Meredith Grey, in Grey’s Anatomy (not the post-it one, the Real one, at the courthouse. “No fuss, no muss.” Perfect. It took all of 20 seconds.) Incidentally, my current Prospect completely disagrees, and is talking EVENING PROGRAMS. (No, I won’t put an end to it because of that. I’ve grown up –some.)

Point is… it’s sad. Hardly any girls are growing up with romantic ideals, and somehow, they’re GOOD for you. It’s lovely to have hope and faith that your Prince is coming –somewhere deep in me, I guess I still believe… which is why I’m still on the lookout. I don’t WANT to be bitter and twisted in my old age. I want to be before a fire, huddled up next to my charmingly shriveling husband of 200 years, chatting softly about our great-great-great-GREAT-grandchildren’s progress in school, and wondering at ‘how the world has changed.’

He’s OUT there. I have to believe it. If you’re Single, you do too!

I don’t need a man… Or do I?

Speaking to a beautiful young cousin of mine, this weekend, I was APPALLED at her attitude to Love. She ‘pooh-poohed’ anything I had to say about dating, and frankly laughed in my face when I talked of marriage. She will NOT, not emphatically told me, be marrying ANYONE. EVER. PERIOD. When I asked why, she looked at me as though the streak of insanity she had always suspected ran through me was proving to be a reality. Then she smiled almost pityingly at me, and said ‘But why would anyone get married except for money? Men are of absolutely no use to anyone! Who needs them?’ I immediately felt stupid, not only because, factually, it’s true, but because I saw that my next argument, that True Love was NOT extinct, and that there were decent worthwhile men out there and that she would surely find the Love of Her Life… were not proving true for me either. YET.

Do women, in fact, NEED  to have a man in their lives any more? The short, factual answer to this question is No. It isn’t an accident that the Single Parent in the now legally recognized Single Parent Family and Home almost equals the Mother (it did, in my cousin’s case). Women are smart and enterprising, which means that they are well able to rule, manage, delegate, discipline, love, nurture, provide as well as contribute. Women are programmed to come through for their children, even against the worst odds –they are survivors. And even the weakest woman has overwhelming strength inside of her. With a healthy store of well preserved sperm, women could manage the Earth very well indeed, all by themselves. But all that the activity of living makes us, is a human being. I believe that for a woman to be a woman, there have to be men around. It is the man that makes a woman a woman.  We are two halves of a healthy whole.

We want a man in our lives, because he will (or should) allow us to be the women we are designed to be: Feminine, nurturing, expressive, intuitively smart, a pillar of strength and staunch loyalty; a little coquette, a little colourful, a soupçon of contrary, and with the potential to exasperate a man just enough to keep it interesting.

In today’s social environment and financial climate, women should work and help to provide for their households, but men were traditionally the providers, because THAT was their work and women did everything else. Women now compete, not only with one another, but with men –for opportunities, jobs, promotions… It’s incredibly unattractive. Societally, it is also proving to destructive.

Because more and more women are having to take on male roles, the woman in us is slowly disappearing, which your grandparents can both assure you is a sight for sore eyes. From the back, it is often easy to confuse a female college student from a male one. Femininity is all but dead. Even when they are dressed for work, professional women do not look feminine, because their ‘power suits’ are designed to look aggressive, rather than disarming. And even the most well cut dress couldn’t save some of these professional women, who, though they may look stunning, when still, walk like male athletes. You’ll recognize them easily, because when they sit down, they forget that they aren’t wearing jeans (I may be one of these!)

Women talk as loudly as men, if not louder, are just as aggressive, and there is practically no social code of manners to save them, because etiquette is now a SCHOOL you go to, and the social trend is just to ‘be who you are’. I say it is absolutely possible to be genuinely yourself, and express yourself mannerfully, and with pride in one’s femininity. It was as a response to our femininity, and with great respect for it, that chivalry was originally the norm –in all classes, everywhere. Men stepped aside to let women go first, because the man is supposed to safeguard the softer (not weaker) sex, the sex from which the human race is able to reproduce. For the same reason, men walked on the inside of the sidewalk, because, should a car come careening off it and towards them, he would be hit first. The only remnants of that age when womanhood was socially respected,  is the call, in an emergency, for ‘Women and Children’ to be rescued first. And I fully prepared to see this eventually disappear too, or turn into ‘Adults with children’.

Now, if a man throws a woman out of the way to get in a queue first, or pushes her aside in the supermarket, no eyebrow will be raised anywhere. Naturally, since women have now become harpies with the manners of fisherman’s wives in the marketplace, no eyebrow will be raised either, if she aggressively pushes him back, and yells at him in the foulest language as she does so –with her children watching. The softer world of women is gone. The modern woman’s face is drawn, predatory and stressed. Modern mothers are more impatient with their children than indulgent. There is less cherishing and affection, but more criticism and pointing of fingers. Less emotional investment in children, and more financial investment, in babysitters, schools and counseling –because, why even talk to your child about their problems, when someone else can do it for you? As a result, high schools and universities yearly churn out young adults full of education, and empty of confidence, self-love and direction. Which makes them angry, and more likely to be influenced negatively, in a bid to fit in anywhere.

I’ve always thought it insane for anyone to tell a child to ‘grow up’. Childhood is meant to be a protected learning process, the happy place of sweet and fond memories to the adult now facing adult responsibility. No one should wish adulthood on a child. Both child and parent should enjoy the development process. Now, there are innumerable angry adults walking around, taking it out on drink, drugs, subordinates at work, the cashier at the bank, their partners, and on society, through crime. Innumerable emotionally neglected teenagers taking the wrong path because they are wrapped in insecurity, and have no direction in their lives.

But I’ve digressed! Point was… I DO want a man!

Hans has asked me on a date, and I said… ‘Yes’. Of COURSE I said ‘Yes’. Actually, I first said ‘Yes, yes, YES!’ aloud –but I meant ‘Yes,’ which is what I told him, because it’s IMPORTANT to keep your cool when, after three centuries of nothingness, you’re suddenly faced with a Serious Prospect. And keeping your cool does not involved running up the walls, devastating your cupboard, and beginning to apply all the face packs you might have, all at once. Nor did I do any of these things. I really didn’t. I’m thinking about it, but I haven’t. Nor will I. He’s ‘just a guy’, after all. A lovely, funny, interesting, warm… erm… In short, JUST a guy.

Wish me luck!

The Third Date is NOT the Sex Date

I am reading through ‘Act Like a Lady, Think Like A Man’ by Steve Harvey, again (if you’d like to know where to get a FREE copy, please write) and am thinking again about why experts advise against having sex with a man too soon. 

Men like sex –they’re programmed to spread their seed as far and wide as possible, and, evidently, they’re doing it quite happily, whether married or no. Sex is an appetite, and, just like a meal, it is often soon forgotten, once ingested. They’ll do it with anything attractive to them (barring that, just anything) that is available, and because they’ve satisfied their appetite, they’re gone… though they may frequent the same establishment again, if the food was good. And remains available. But there will be no commitment there. Indeed, commitment will be difficult, under these circumstances, unless you interact and see each other frequently. 

Takeaway food is faceless, and so is ‘takeaway sex’. The man isn’t making love to YOU, he’s satisfying his appetite. For this reason, you do NOT have sex with a man you are dating, until you are sure that he will not be making love (satisfying his appetite) but making love to YOU. True love-making involves personal, emotional interaction, and not simply a series of moves. I don’t know where the Third Date rule came from, but it’s completely wrong. By the third date, the only thing the man knows for sure is whether he wants to take you to bed or not… But then, he knew that on the first date. 

It may not take 90 days. It may take more –or less. But the premise is the same. There must be significant investment on both sides. Be Expensive. Don’t be a takeaway! 

I am ending this post with SINCERE, WHOLEHEARTED thanks to all who might have sent up a prayer for me, or talked to Jesus personally on my behalf because… I’ve hit GOLD! 

A couple of posts ago, a mentioned my SINGLE viable prospect of the moment, a 32-year old German? (We’ll call him Hans.) Well, today, he WROTE. And he wrote beautifully. And if you can’t tell, yet, I’m EXCITED! So, I wrote him back, and I’ll just tell you to watch this space for (discreet) developments!

WHERE Is JESUS?

So let see here…. On my last count, I have the following prospects today:

James (Englishman, 48) –James is quite happy to tell me that his best feature is his butt… but he offers no photo, and no personally written profile. Not even a paragraph, to show what he might really like. All he’s written is a non-sentence about what he’s looking for, and I quote:  “honest woman.” You just KNOW this man isn’t going to get any answer from me… or any other person out there who isn’t desperate. He’s offering absolutely ZERO of himself.

Oh, one last thing about James? His age range is TWENTY-TWO to FIFTY. A forty-eight year old looking for anyone over half his age is in serious denial of his own –and practically a criminal. Yes. James is DEFINITELY out.

Zacchiah (Kenyan, 34) –This man has a smiling photo (it’s OK) and fits my profile age requirements, which was promising, as it proves he can read. Promising, until I saw that his profile is practically the same as James’, he actually has a degree… and is willing to date NINETEEN year olds. His three-word profile contribution as to what he’s looking for is, and I quote: “adventurous sexy personality.” SO out. But then, I was intrigued, because this character actually has a PLATINUM membership on the dating site, so when he sent me an actual message, I was eager to read it. Quoting again:

Subject: mmmmmmmmhhhh

i like what i read but only ebony sexcites yu apparently....

COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY OUT. Might have to be BLOCKED, in case of potential follow up traumatic messages.

James (Englishman, 42) –Just out of my age range, smart photo, and a professional. All good until, quoting again: “I am looking for a wife girlfriend friend.” He's out.

Mark (Irishman, 40) –Looking for marriage (Perfect.) The sum total of whom he is looking to marry, however, is apparently “a beautiful woman.” (Not so good –is he shallow or looking for arm-candy?)

Claims he’s calm, loving, honest and faithful… which doesn’t explain why he’s currently separated, which status takes him out of the running, despite quite a nice photo.

Now, I’m not JUDGING him because he’s separated, but being separated implies an entire Pandora box of trouble. Why separate and not divorce? Is he in the process of divorcing? Is he thinking about getting back together with his wife? Is there a super acrimonious diving of the property thing going on? It’s a can of worms, and I’m not going there. Sorry Mark. But bless you.

Peter (German, 53) –WAY out of my age range, but what a lovely profile photo. And then you come to what he says about who he is and what he wants, and well… NO. Though he sounds a generous and kind person, what he’s offering straight out is too much information , the gist of which is that he fell to pieces after loosing his first wife. You can sense he’s desperate… and also very unhappy, which makes me feel sad for him. Not for me, but I wish him well.

Thomas (Hungarian, 30) –Just out of my age range, and with a photo that shows him dressed like a teenager about to go out on his skateboard. NO. He doesn’t say anything about himself, and in the space designed for him to tell the world what he is looking for, he says (I’m translating from awkward English) that he doesn’t want to be commonplace, and the personal impressions are the most important thing. Fine… but if you want to take your impressions from physical meetings –why are you online? And why are you bothering ME, a gazillion miles away? It’s not like we’re likely to bump into each other. Hrmph. OUT. And annoying.

François (French, 30) –Reinforced my conviction that I CANNOT date anyone younger than me. Looks like a bohemian fan of anorexia (nice colour eyes, though.) The five words he has deigned to set down indicate that 1) He is a simple man, ‘just like the others’ (That’s just crazy –NO man is simple, and I want to know what ‘others’ he’s been hanging around with. Or actually, I don’t.) 2) He’s looking for a kind, open-minded partner. Yeah, but who isn’t? OUT.

Janne (Swedish, 53) –Out of my age range, no photo. Says he’s a “good man.” What’s he looking for? You guessed it: a “good woman.” WHERE is Jesus?

I am mourning a recently terminated short online relationship with an excellent Norwegian prospect that I met on Afrointroductions.com, whose single but fatal fault is that I saw early on that he is controlling. Very controlling.

Controlling men are insecure men, and often latently violent. Women are easily attracted to controlling men, because they are strong Alpha males. They often mistake controlling men to be protective men, and are flattered by the fact that they offer so much attention –but this is unhealthy attention. It is jealous, unhealthy possessiveness, and rarely ends in any good. Still, this man was a wonderful correspondent, and I am missing him sorely. ..

My most interesting prospect now is a 32-year old German living right here in Nairobi… I am currently debating writing him a note, since he sent me notification that he finds me ‘interesting’… but we’ll see.

My other so-called prospects could simply fill up a surgery board: 65-year olds with old heart problems, ‘active’ 70-year olds with potential hip dislocations, 79-year olds with deeply suspected brain tumours –obviously none of whom went to school, as my age limit requirements are CLEARLY indicated in my profile… WHY?

My current pain in the BUTT is a Kenyan, and what I can only describe as an ASSHOLE, who consistently refuses to be blocked, and sends me notifications of ‘interest’ as quickly as I can delete them. This ASS has somehow determined from my (VERY SUCCINT) profile that I am the kind of girl who gets turned on by a married man looking to ‘date’?!!!!!!!

 Again, I ask… WHERE is Jesus?

Completely frustrated, last night, I subscribed to three more dating sites… which might, or might not be the biggest mistake I’ll have already made this year. Pray for me.

Men are SO the weaker sex!!!

The little boy within the man

seeps out whenever he can,

takes shape in moments of great joy, pure and total and complete,

leaving the small child replete;

is evident most in times of distress, despair and challenge withstood

the child exchanging toys for confused adulthood

The little boy seeks the mother in the woman

so he can be cared for, spoiled and pleased

to rebel against, defend and respect and tease

These days the mother in the woman is pale and wan

She is more boy than girl, her softness gone.

The above verses came to me one afternoon as I read an article about measures being put forward for the Girl Child, and pondered… what on Earth is being done for the Boy?

It used to be that Fathers would impatiently order their sons to grow a backbone, but, for a good many years now, it’s been sisters and mothers, and girlfriends and wives crying out the same instruction. Of course, it doesn’t help that the Father is barely there, if he is at all. Single motherhood is now a recognized family unit, and one that is, very sadly, increasing in scope and steadiness. Women are giving up on men –and not as reluctantly as they might, considering the setup and increase of sperm donation and in vitro fertilization facilities worldwide.

It was to be expected that, as women became empowered, there would be a power shift between men and women –but when exactly did men lose Respect? Whenever that was, this SERIOUS mistake needs to be rectified. Men NEED to take their power back, because, not only do women NOT want it but, as they have taken up more and more of the relinquished control, a horrendous cycle has clearly been created, wherein strong mothers breed equally strong daughters and lord over weak men. Weak men who then go out into society willing to marry and serve another strong woman… or else become so angry with them, that they resort to their primal and single natural advantage over women –their strength. I cannot believe that the significant increase in violent crimes against women in recent years, which, each year become more and more gruesome, is any accident.

There is no discussion now about the slogan on a T-shirt that I proudly wore as a child:

“What Men Can Do, Women Can Do Better!”

But there ARE some things that men are designed to do better than women, without trying. Men have a logical decisive mind, and this makes them good rulers, in the household as well as at the office. The quest to find out “What Women Want” is a societal joke, but it is based on fact because –even women don’t know what they want, half the time. We were designed to be a powerful source of strength, but men were made the Head (at least, Biblically) to decisively harness our power, and guide and use it to the advantage of the family unit as a whole. It is not an accident that, before the Giving Up stage, most women go through a period where they are desperately trying to find a mate. While we function extremely well by ourselves, and were designed with marvelous powers of self-sufficiency –we function even better in a partnership. Women WANT partnerships with friends, colleagues, cronies AND a husband. We even want an enemy or two, to satisfy our bitchy side, just as the power of real men comes out when they are faced with competition.

I emphatically do NOT put my own sex down –I know too well what marvelous achievements we are capable of, even on our own. But I am a traditional girl too. And, though I am currently having a HUGE fight with God (but that’s another post), I am a Christian, and have never wavered in my belief of His existence, therefore the Word, which makes much sense to me, including with regard to romantic relationships between men and women. The Bible sets out the perfect formula, very simply and succinctly of a successful relationship: Man: Love your Woman with ALL that you have. Women: Submit to your husbands. Though I am emphatically NOT a Biblical scholar (nor do I care to be) and have no knowledge of the Jewish, Greek, Aramaic or any other interpretation of the word, I do NOT believe that the word ‘submit’ means that women are asked to put themselves below their partners in any way. Rather, I think they are asked to relinquish Ultimate Responsibility to their partners, as the Heads of their households –which I think works for both parties. Women are naturally enterprising and excellent DOERS, especially when they take a cause to heart. They are excellent givers, and, so long as their needs are met, will be happy, in these conditions to do almost anything. And so the Biblical formula actually reads: Men: Meet you Woman’s every need, with a loving heart and mind (Kindness, Consideration, and Generosity); Women: Give yourself completely to your man. Give him Respect, Love, Sex, Support, Ideas, Opinions etc. And then TRUST him to make the Ultimate Decision for the good of both of you, and your children. And this WORKS, whether a couple is deciding on where to holiday, where to invest, or what schools their children should attend. Men were given broader shoulders to take on Ultimate Responsibility for the couple’s decision-making, during which, naturally he should consult his wife thoroughly. When they fail, their wives are designed to BE the woman behind the man, and so-called ‘Pillar of Strength’. When they succeed, LIKEWISE. Women are resilient –much more so than men. But then we were designed that way, to be the Heart of the Home, whereas the man is the Head.

Trouble is, men have fled, and are actively fleeing Responsibility, and women have had to take over being both the Head and Heart of the home –which does NOT bode well for the making of a boy into a strong man. Children are not just children –they are adults in the making, and they differ in sex for the good reason that their responsibilities and purposes naturally differ –or SHOULD. Girls look to their mother for guidance as to the woman they should become. Boys look to their fathers. This has scientifically and psychologically been proven to be true. So what does a boy do, when all he has to look up to is a mother? Or a weak father, whose wife treats him like one of their children? Women ARE working out that having a husband they do everything for except bathe and dress is foolish. Better save that energy for their children. I certainly would rather remain single forever, than have a husband I have to rule, give an allowance to, make decisions for and resent all the while. I want a STRONG husband, who, as I take of him, will teach me, guide me, and work WITH me to make both our dreams come true.

In Grey’s Anatomy, one of the TV serie that I’m entirely addicted to, Dr Bailey, having just discovered that she’s pregnant says:

“Did you know that carrying a boy in your uterus means you burn 10% more than if you had a girl?... Men. From the very beginning they just suck the life right out of you.”

I think they’re meant to. Women are equipped to give, to bring forth, to generate power, life and all the rest of it. Without a giving woman, a man has nothing to work with. Men, who are designed to take. But what they take, they should work and return tenfold, in a steady flow of happiness and success, for both parties.

Men need to become men again –and even the strongest women cannot show them how. The few, proper Alpha males that are left in society  that are looked up to, those male leaders that have garnered and managed to maintain their Respect, NEED to light the Boy’s way again, into becoming a Man. A Boy Child Movement is sorely needed. RIGHT NOW. I mean, even those women in successful relationships should worry about whom their daughters are going to grow up to meet. I certainly do… and I’m still debating whether I’ll ever have children!